Day 8 -- I'm at the Grand Canyon!

What a day!

I meet the REI guide, the one single guy traveling alone on this trip and my soon-to-be roomie (we'll call her Stacey) in Phoenix at 8:00 am this morning. No one, of course, is anything like I pictured them. Our guide is tall and thin and kind of goofy looking. The single guy, (let's call him Rick) is medium height, thin, brown non-descript hair and basically looks like a guy who lives in his mom's basement (at age 40 something). Stacey, whom I really hadn't gotten around to imagining what she looks like, is super thin, blonde and cute as a button.

I'd confess to hating her (jealousy and all that) but she's super cool and I'm already positive we are going to be friends after this trip.We head out in the van on our way to Flagstaff where we will pick up two more people and then finally to the Grand Canyon where we are meeting the final couple who will join us on this trek.

In the van, there's that sort of awkward conversation and silence in the first 30 minutes as we start to get to know each other. Of course the conversation turns to our trip and facts about the GC (that's Grand Canyon for all you novices :-).

Our guide tells us the GC gets a million visitors a year and that 3 1/2 million go to the South Rim (where we are going), 1/2 million visit the North Rim but only one percent hike to the bottom.

Why you ask (or at least I did)?

"Because it's so hard," said our guide. Well shit ... There goes my confidence again.

Rick starts talking about all the hikes he's done in preparation for the trip and even Stacey chimes in with some she's completed. I keep my mouth shut and worry -- just a little -- but the fear is there.

Our guide then points to some books he brought about the Grand Canyon -- his personal favorite being a book called Death in the Grand Canyon.

(A glimpse in Angel's head at this point -- this hike is super difficult. Only one percent do it. Lots of people die here. What the hell am I doing here?)

Outside Angel jokingly says to our guide, "You know, you might not want to lead with these two factoids if you're trying to inspire us." Hahaha

We finally get to Flagstaff and pick up our next two hikers. They are an older couple from Tulsa, OK. Really wonderful, thin people. (Are you noticing a trend here? Apparently only thin people do the REI GC trip. And yes, I know I'm not fat but honestly I'm not like these people -- all wiry with little body fat -- you know the type, picture marathon runners.)

Anyway they've hiked the GC several times and have gone on quite a few REI trips. They are really interesting and offered quite a few tips about future trips I hope to take, but won't bore you with here. But alas I'm still stuck on the idea that I'm the most ill-prepared for this trip.

Finally we make it to the GC where we are meeting the last couple to join us. Hurray! They are an older couple who doesn't look in shape at all! I just might not be the last one up the canyon after all.

We stop at the Verkamps visitor center in the park to have lunch and talk about our trip. I get out of the van and take my first glimpse of the Grand Canyon.

OMG!!!

In that one moment I couldn't care less about anything else but seeing the most majestic, breathtaking view I have ever seen. I'll include some shots later (too hard from my iPhone) but honestly pictures could NEVER do this magnificent place justice. It's simply stunning.

I immediately become so excited for this trip. I don't care if I get blisters, if I'm huffing and puffing or if my legs and back hurt for days. I am here and I am so grateful to have this experience.

And remember how I said in my post yesterday that I was going to notice all the times I needlessly
worried?

Well, already I can share with you at least two times I've done just that -- first with my roomie. My worrying mind wondered if we would get along, if she would hate me after I kept her up all night from snoring, yadda, yadda, yadda. Nope -- she's awesome and I've already told her about my sleep apnea. She's not worried, brought her own earplugs and figures she will be so tired it won't matter anyway.

And the worrying about being in shape? I may or may not be in the best condition for this hike, but I know I'll make it and I plan on enjoying every second.

Can't wait to share my adventure tomorrow when we start our hike down the South Kaibab trail!

Day 7 -- I Just Need a Little Faith

I'm sitting on the plane heading to Phoenix thankful I made it. My flight from D.C. connected through Cincinnati. We pulled into the gate at 7:25ish and my flight to Phoenix left at 7:55 pm. I was anxious that by the time I got off the plane, I would have very little time to race through the airport, find my gate, and make my flight.

Ah, Angel. Ye of little faith -- I quickly ran up the airplane connecting ramp, politely (I swear) asking people to move out of my way, and then launched myself at the flight attendant at the end of the plank (not sure what that ramp is called but doesn't plank make my story sound so much more dramatic?) to find out what gate I needed to get to make the Phoenix flight. She points to the gate DIRECTLY across from mine.

Good thing I hurried :-)

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself ...

I hope the rest of my trip goes this smoothly. I think I'm going to make it a point of this trip to notice all the times I worry or think worse-case scenario and see how often I'm pleasantly surprised. I bet it will be a lot -- at least that's what half-glass-full Angel is hoping.

Day 6 - Easter at the Emergency Vet Clinic and How Things Went Down Hill from There

Tim wakes me up at 5:00 this morning in a panic because London is shivering and crying walking up steps. Something is wrong.

I jump out of bed and come downstairs and lay with London on the couch. London is Tim's baby ... he LOVES that dog. I mean he really, really LOVES that dog so I know the best thing I can do for Tim is to take care of London because Tim can't. Tim had shoulder surgery Friday and is in a ton a pain and has very little mobility. My family is a bit of a mess right now.

I get London calmed down and I fall back asleep, but by 9:00 am Tim is still worried so I take London to the Emergency vet's office in Fairfax, where like at every doctor's office, we wait. And, wait ... in a nice room mind you, but it smells, like animals, and it's hot and London is anxious so he's panting NON STOP. I love myself, I love myself, I love myself -- it's not working. I'm agitated and tired and worried about London and about Tim because I know he's hurting and worried about London, and this is not how I wanted to spend my Sunday.

I had plans. I had things I wanted to do ... work out with a friend, enjoy the beautiful day, go to a meeting.

The doc finally sees London and the diagnosis? He thinks London has some kind of bulging disc on his left side that is causing him pain, kind of like a pinched nerve.

OMG ... I heard that owners and their pets can end up looking similar, but animals and their owners get the same illnesses? I had to laugh when the doctor prescribed the EXACT same medicine my doctor prescribed for my pinched nerve on my left side.

London is fine, though apparently he's obese and needs to lose 10-15 pounds. I hope he didn't take after Tim or I for that one!

It's funny, I always think of myself as a really selfish person, and really this hasn't changed my opinion much, but it was nice to see that when my family or someone I love needs me, I can jump into action, no questions asked and get it done (and I didn't even lay a guilt trip on Tim or anything). Now you may say to yourself what would Tim possibly have to feel guilty about? ABSOLUTELY nothing, but being the selfish person that I am, I can always manufacture something for him to feel guilty about. For instance, Tim, I know you had surgery on Friday knowing London would get hurt and you couldn't take care of him and I would have to do it for you. This is how my crazy mind thinks. The progress is that I don't act on these crazy thoughts, and I was available for Tim and London.

And I even got my exercise and meeting in today ... even if it wasn't how I planned it. I rode my bike to the meeting, and it was beautiful outside. I couldn't wait to get home, relax and get ready for work tomorrow and pack for trip, leaving Tuesday. Ah, not to be ...

I got an email from Delta saying it was time to check in for my flight TOMORROW.

Oops. Guess I won't be going to work tomorrow. On a positive note, I have one less day to worry about being in shape enough for my trip, being too snorey for my roommate (that's a new word ... snorey), essentially my general overall go-to worry about not being good enough.

Ah, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

P.S. Thanks for reading, for your thoughts and love. And also, I will try to post every day while at the Grand Canyon but wireless coverage may be spotty so I'll post as much as I can.

Day 5 - Starts with FEAR ...

What was I thinking? I sent an email to a bunch of women friends about my new blog, hit the send key, and immediately went into panic mode. What will they think of me? What idiot shares such personal and embarrassing details about their thoughts and feelings and life? I must be an ego driven maniac (with low self esteem because that makes perfect sense) ... I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

Then the emails started to come in. First one, of course, was from Tim (he was the only guy on my list), and his unsurprising response: "It's always about you isn't it?" Love him.

And, then the rest ... I seriously was so touched by some of the messages I received, and from some women I haven't spoken to in years. One of my friends suggested I write a book. I giggled. Did I not mention in my blog that I rarely finish anything? I'm just psyched to be on Day 5 :-)

But then the fears kept on coming. I leave for the Grand Canyon on Tuesday, and I'm NERVOUS. I'm afraid I won't be in good enough shape compared to everyone else (yup, there's that compare word that always gets me in trouble ... or at least unhappy). While I have been working out, and have known about this trip since I booked it JANUARY, I have not gone on even ONE hike. I bought new hiking boots, and a back pack and walking sticks (or whatever they are called) and I have all the gear they said to buy (the buying part was fun) but I haven't used any of it! I'm seriously considering having Ben roll all the stuff around in the back yard so it gets dirty and doesn't look so new and so I won't look like such a novice hiking dweeb. Because really what matters is how I look. Yes, sarcasm is intended. (Speaking of dweebs ... Ben and I went to awesomecondc today ... that was geek central! See some pics below.)

Oh, and did I mention I have sleep apnea but I can't take the machine on this trip so some poor woman I'm sharing a room with is going to suffer through my snoring, which according to Tim, is quite unpleasant. I've bought ear plugs for her, and every "stop snoring" item I could find in CVS. I've got nose tape stuff to make my nostrils wider, and some kind of plastic thingy to put in my mouth to open up my airway more and even some throat spray that is supposed to do something. (Did I mention I believe almost any kind of advertising?) I really hope she doesn't hate me by the end of the trip.

I try to keep what I've learned F.E.A.R. stands for ... false evidence appearing real, but I'm really not sure this is all false evidence. I'm really not in that great of shape right now and I do snore so ... I'M SCARED.

But really what I need to look at is what is underneath the fear? That's where I'm hoping this "I love myself" project will help. Because I think what makes me most fearful is not being good enough and not being liked exactly as I am.

The good news is that I'm going on my trip no matter my fear, and I may be the slowest one up or down the canyon, and I may keep my roommate up with my snoring (oh, I hope not!), but I promise to enjoy every beautiful moment. Hope you and your loved ones have a wonderful Easter. Here's some shots of geeks at awesomecondc:

Day 4 -- Telling the Hubby

I decided I wanted to share this blog with my husband and see if he was ok with me sharing it with others. He read it and as expected his first response to me was, "You're fat." Followed closely by, "You were thinking about leaving me?" (You'll need to read "How this Started" for any of this to make sense.)

"No dumb ass, didn't you read my blog?"

Tim's response: "You just put that nice stuff in as an after thought in case I read it."

Ah, my husband and his response is so illustrative of why we are so perfect for each other  -- we are both focused on self. And of course we giggled afterwards because that's the other big part of our marriage -- we tease, make fun and then laugh. Our giggling led to Tim remarking that I definitely laugh more than five times a day. So he did read my blog after all :-)

Tim, being Tim, doesn't really get why I'm doing this. I tried to explain that since I got my job in January, I have definitely been happier but not fully content. I guess the effects of "garbage in, garbage out" (see day 2 post) for the past year or so is going to take more than just getting out of the house (i.e. the new job) and require me to put some "good" stuff in my head so I start feeling better spiritually.

I asked him if he had any negative tapes running in his head that he struggled with. He said, "What do you mean?" I told him that ever since I was a kid I would hear in this voice in my head that said I suck, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm not good enough, etc.

Tim's response: "Well, I sometimes hear a voice telling me every one else is stupid." He's so funny - not! On a more serious note though, he honestly seemed perplexed that I would feel that way about myself or hear those kinds of messages. "You're beautiful and smart and awesome and should just listen to me more," said my oh-so-loving husband.

Oh how I wish it was that simple!

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. I can't internalize Tim's or anyone else's opinion of me. I've got to feel it myself, right to my very core, and that's where things get messy. I don't always feel bad about myself. I'm aware of my good qualities and I don't minimize them or try to down play them. In fact, I mostly like myself, but some times those inner, long-standing voices that I have never been able to quiet will surface. They usually come up when my expectations of myself are too high (a.k.a. perfectionism) or I'm comparing myself to someone, usually to their outsides (what they look like, what they've accomplished, that kind of thing). Of course it's a complete waste of time since I have no f##ing clue what is going on inside anyone's head or life, I'm just certain it's better than mine because they look so good on the outside.

I don't know if this experiment will work, but I know it can't hurt. Every time I feel that negative voice starting up I'm silencing it with I love myself. If nothing else I'm stopping the tapes before they play too long and that's a good thing.

I still am seeking the "fix." I want this latest experiment to fix me so I'll be fine -- no more hating myself at times, no more needing to numb myself with food or books or fantasy or word games or WHATEVER. Somehow, even though I intellectually know it's impossible, I think something, the right prayer, the right diet, the right clothes, the right relationships, the right place, will ensure I never feel bad ... or maybe that I never feel. That's probably my final frontier -- accepting my humanness with open arms. For now I'm content to laugh at myself (and others - can't help it - that's who I am :-) as I try to love myself more fully.

Day 3 ... Today Is a Bit Tougher

I woke up this morning feeling fat (yes, I know fat is NOT a feeling but I'm going with it anyway). I overate last night ... good food, salmon (it was delicious and I even cooked it in coconut oil), sweet potato and frozen grapes (my go-to snack almost every night). It wasn't the food, but the quantity.

I've always been a more, more, more girl. Hence my additive personality. If one is good, a thousand would be better. I've been addicted to alcohol, word games, men (I mean boys), romance/erotic novels, sleeping, food, food, food and whatever else keeps me distracted and numb. Again, nothing unique about me. I am certain millions of people have felt my feelings in one way or another.

But "feeling fat" is a huge trigger for me. If I "feel fat," I feel ugly, unlovable, unworthy, etc. I could blame my mother, and I often do, but the truth is, I'm a grown up and responsible for my feelings and for getting out of my own funk(s)! So as soon as I said in my head, I feel fat, followed almost instantaneously but the thought, I hate myself, I cut that thought right off with a few "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself." I'm not totally feeling it this morning, but I'm also not mired in self hate or loathing and I don't have the urge to eat like a bird or exercise like a maniac.

I also did 6 minutes of meditating this morning with I love myself. One minute more than yesterday so maybe that extra minute will spur some kind of positive thinking. I also read James Altucher's blog post yesterday. It was about how children laugh 300 times a day, while adults on average laugh 5 times a day. He wanted to know how that could happen and he said it explained why adults are so miserable. I definitely agree with that. I always tell my son I'm a 12-year-old stuck in a woman's body. I love to have fun and laugh. I wish I could play all day.

Anyway, with that post in mind, I decided to read The Bloggess, or Jenny Lawson, who is seriously one of the funniest writers I've read, and she did not disappoint. Read her entry here and I swear if you don't laugh, you seriously have something wrong with you ... or at least you don't have my kind of sense of humor and cannot be my friend, so there (how's that for a 12-year-old attitude?).

So ... I'm still at and will report back at the end of the day if any other amazing (or mind-numbing) ideas enter my brain.

Day 2 ... I'm Still At It

I confess right now, I do not stick with many things. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. I get an idea, it sounds cool, and I try it and then I get bored and I'm done. For instance, this isn't my first blog. I started another one in 2008. I know it was 2008 because when I went to start this one, my old blog came up ... one I created in 2008 to commemorate the snowboarding/ski trips I take with some of my closest friends every winter ... and like the good quitter that I am, I never even wrote ONE post.

Now don't get my wrong ... I'm not beating up on myself here and I've learned that when something really matters to me, I stick with it. I've been sober for 12+ years ... no small accomplishment especially if you know anything about alcoholism (though to be fair, I truly believe I would NOT be sober without AA and my higher power so I'm not sure how much true credit I deserve), and I've been married for 20+ years and I have kept friendships for more than 20 years so I can commit, it just doesn't happen very often.

The fact that this is day two of my experiment, and I'm still at it, well that's an accomplishment in my book. I started the day by setting my iPhone timer for 5 minutes, and for 5 whole minutes I closed my eyes and said I love myself, I love myself, over and over. Then throughout the day, I kept repeating the phrase. Even at the doctor's appointment I had (who was 90 minutes late seeing me ... I love myself, I love myself, I hate you but I love myself ... my boss said I should charge him $25 which I think is an excellent late fee idea!), even after hearing I would need surgery after my trip (not too upset about it ... I want my back fixed!) and later during a run with my husband.

I haven't reached the "magical' stage Kamal Ravikant says I'll eventually get to, but I did find myself smiling and laughing a bit more today. And I did notice that I wasn't so in my head ... I mean other than saying I love myself over and over, I wasn't daydreaming about the future or living in the past. I may have been saying this weird mantra over and over again, but I was more present than I've been in a while and that's something I really want.

I took a "walk and talk" with my son today. (We've been doing them for years. He likes to tell me stories ... usually about books he's read or video games he's playing ... while we are walking. I don't say too much but I listen and he seems to like that.) Anyway, while we were walking I felt more focused on where I was and who I was with than I have in the recent past. Just some observations ... I don't know if it's connected or relevant but I figured if I'm going to do this blog experiment thingy I might as well write down what I'm noticing and feeling.

Last thing I've been thinking about ... I heard from someone or I read somewhere "garbage in, garbage out," meaning what we put in our mind matters. For the past year I've been putting A LOT of garbage in. I know part of the reason I haven't wanted to share at meetings is because I have nothing worthwhile to share. But I feel hopeful today ... I feel like I'm starting to put good stuff in my brain and that good stuff will naturally produce good thoughts. Like I said, at least that's what I'm hoping. I've always been a big believer that what you put in your body matters. Our bodies are like engines and they run better on whole, natural foods. Do I always eat like that? NO! But I try to eat pretty healthy and when I do, I feel good and I have more energy.

I have to believe my mind operates the same way. For most of my life I've been telling myself I suck, I'm stupid, I'm bad, I'm not worthy, I'm blah, blah, blah. Not all of the time, and certainly it's gotten much, much better since I've gotten sober and gotten into recovery, but the truth is those are my default tapes that I play over and over again.

I want to erase them! I've always wanted to erase them but I've never known how. I've prayed for help, I've read self-help books, talked with counselors about my childhood ad nauseum. I'm sick of my own story.

But I've never thought of just saying I love myself over and over. Maybe I'll find it's too simple, or I won't stick with it. But it's such a positive message, and I want to love myself ... I want to be content and confident in my own skin more times than I'm not. I want to stop looking for outside stuff and people and opinions to make me feel good about myself. I want this experiment to work so for day 2, I'm still at it!