Day 2 ... I'm Still At It

I confess right now, I do not stick with many things. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. I get an idea, it sounds cool, and I try it and then I get bored and I'm done. For instance, this isn't my first blog. I started another one in 2008. I know it was 2008 because when I went to start this one, my old blog came up ... one I created in 2008 to commemorate the snowboarding/ski trips I take with some of my closest friends every winter ... and like the good quitter that I am, I never even wrote ONE post.

Now don't get my wrong ... I'm not beating up on myself here and I've learned that when something really matters to me, I stick with it. I've been sober for 12+ years ... no small accomplishment especially if you know anything about alcoholism (though to be fair, I truly believe I would NOT be sober without AA and my higher power so I'm not sure how much true credit I deserve), and I've been married for 20+ years and I have kept friendships for more than 20 years so I can commit, it just doesn't happen very often.

The fact that this is day two of my experiment, and I'm still at it, well that's an accomplishment in my book. I started the day by setting my iPhone timer for 5 minutes, and for 5 whole minutes I closed my eyes and said I love myself, I love myself, over and over. Then throughout the day, I kept repeating the phrase. Even at the doctor's appointment I had (who was 90 minutes late seeing me ... I love myself, I love myself, I hate you but I love myself ... my boss said I should charge him $25 which I think is an excellent late fee idea!), even after hearing I would need surgery after my trip (not too upset about it ... I want my back fixed!) and later during a run with my husband.

I haven't reached the "magical' stage Kamal Ravikant says I'll eventually get to, but I did find myself smiling and laughing a bit more today. And I did notice that I wasn't so in my head ... I mean other than saying I love myself over and over, I wasn't daydreaming about the future or living in the past. I may have been saying this weird mantra over and over again, but I was more present than I've been in a while and that's something I really want.

I took a "walk and talk" with my son today. (We've been doing them for years. He likes to tell me stories ... usually about books he's read or video games he's playing ... while we are walking. I don't say too much but I listen and he seems to like that.) Anyway, while we were walking I felt more focused on where I was and who I was with than I have in the recent past. Just some observations ... I don't know if it's connected or relevant but I figured if I'm going to do this blog experiment thingy I might as well write down what I'm noticing and feeling.

Last thing I've been thinking about ... I heard from someone or I read somewhere "garbage in, garbage out," meaning what we put in our mind matters. For the past year I've been putting A LOT of garbage in. I know part of the reason I haven't wanted to share at meetings is because I have nothing worthwhile to share. But I feel hopeful today ... I feel like I'm starting to put good stuff in my brain and that good stuff will naturally produce good thoughts. Like I said, at least that's what I'm hoping. I've always been a big believer that what you put in your body matters. Our bodies are like engines and they run better on whole, natural foods. Do I always eat like that? NO! But I try to eat pretty healthy and when I do, I feel good and I have more energy.

I have to believe my mind operates the same way. For most of my life I've been telling myself I suck, I'm stupid, I'm bad, I'm not worthy, I'm blah, blah, blah. Not all of the time, and certainly it's gotten much, much better since I've gotten sober and gotten into recovery, but the truth is those are my default tapes that I play over and over again.

I want to erase them! I've always wanted to erase them but I've never known how. I've prayed for help, I've read self-help books, talked with counselors about my childhood ad nauseum. I'm sick of my own story.

But I've never thought of just saying I love myself over and over. Maybe I'll find it's too simple, or I won't stick with it. But it's such a positive message, and I want to love myself ... I want to be content and confident in my own skin more times than I'm not. I want to stop looking for outside stuff and people and opinions to make me feel good about myself. I want this experiment to work so for day 2, I'm still at it!