Day 12 - I Want To Quit ...

I'm driving to my meeting tonight, and I think to myself, I've been meditating in the morning and telling myself over and over that I love myself, but I don't feel any different. This isn't working!

I want to read my romance/erotic novels. (I've decided to cut myself off from these books for the 30 days as well.) My new bestie from my trip, Stacey, was reading one while we were at the Canyon. (I put "bestie" in there for you Lauren ... just to piss you off -- tee hee.) I, of course, knew the book she was reading, and had read the whole trilogy, among every other book she mentioned.

What was interesting to me was that she would read some, but had no trouble whatsoever stopping to have a conversation with me, or others, or to do something else. When I'm into one of these books, I don't want to do anything else but read until I've devoured the book. I want to be the women (I mean girls) in these novels. I want someone to be possessive of me, and I want every other woman to want the man I'm with, but somehow Mr. Perfect chooses me, and will do anything to have me. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to write that because in my mind, that sounds so pathetic. I'm a 47-year-old woman, and I'm pining after a 22-year-old's make-believe life. But I love these books ... seriously. The writing often sucks, the story is pretty much always the same and I can't get enough of them.

I know so many of you, who are NOT addicts, will say what's wrong with reading romance novels? And in reality, there's nothing wrong with it. Just like there's nothing wrong with drinking alcohol ... and I mean that. There is nothing wrong with drinking. Many people can drink socially, can take it or leave it. I CAN'T. When I become obsessive about something, I need to let it go ... at least for a little while until it no longer has that "I-want-to-escape-from-my-life hold." Unlike alcohol, which I can never drink again, I can sometimes go back to activities that I used to be obsessed with, but 12 days probably isn't enough, and especially if I feel about these books like they are crack!

Ah, Angel, 12 days and I want to be fixed and done with this experiment. I'm such an addict. If I don't feel well (i.e. perfect, high on life, nothing should be wrong) then I immediately want to escape, to not feel, to do anything but the next right thing.

I still am so thrilled I went to the Grand Canyon, but now it's over. I've got nothing to look forward to, nothing to fret and worry about, nothing to focus on, but me and my normal, boring old life, oh and my surgery May 9, which clearly isn't as exciting as a trip.

My mind tells me writing this blog is stupid. I'm a quitter (see Day 2) so what am I trying to prove? Everyone probably gets annoyed when I send them an email saying I've written another post. This is what I hear in my head: "God, she's an egomaniac. I've told her I liked it now stop sending me emails. I'll read it if I want to. What more could she possibly have to say? Why did she think I'd be interested in this anyway? Thank God there's no sign up button so I can just delete her emails when I get them. Okay, enough about loving yourself ... I get it, now go away."

Harsh huh? That's me, which is why I'm doing this experiment in the first place. I try to say the mantra, I love myself, to cut off those thoughts, but sometimes they just break through or perhaps I secretly enjoy them because deep down that's what I think about myself and it just reaffirms those feelings.

I'm really not trying to be morbid here, overly negative or even seeking praise, I swear. I'm trying to be gut-level honest because if I'm not, then really this whole thing is just fluff and a waste of my time and yours.

So here's the good part. I did do the next right thing. I went to a meeting and I heard what I needed to hear. This woman was sharing about how hard she struggled to get sober. That in the beginning she would go to meetings but then get drunk or do drugs. She wasn't changing anything. Even when she committed to the program, it took two years for the obsession to be somewhat lifted.

TWO YEARS? I might have to wait two years to really love myself? I mean I've been telling myself for years and years that I suck and I'm worthless (again, not all the time ... honestly, for the most part I'm a happy and joyous person but those core feelings are there), and 12 days isn't enough to fix that?

Okay, okay ... even I got a little chuckle out of that one.

I think I'll keep working at this because I do want to love myself. And, by the way, I truly love all of you ... even if you don't read my blog. My heart is with you so thanks!