How this started ...

For most of 2013 if not all of it, I was in a mini-depression. I had been working from home for the past 13 1/2 years, essentially since my son was born (he's 14 now) and for most of those years, I NEVER regretted that decision. Having the flexibility to be with him whenever was a blessing and I enjoyed practically every minute. But for some reason, last year was really tough.

I know part of the reason is that Ben, my son, does not need me like he used to, part of it is that I really did not like my current work-from-home job, and part of it was having too much time on my hands to be up in my head about getting older, wondering if I was happy, is this all there is, etc. Nothing new ... I certainly don't have a unique perspective or unique feelings. They simply were happening to me, and I didn't like them and my normal go-to solutions (go to more meetings ... oh yeah, I'm in recovery in case I didn't mention that), talk to my sponsor (yeah, that one wasn't working out so well anymore ... after 10 years with the same sponsor we just weren't connecting like we used to), pray/meditate (again, I believe this one would have worked but I couldn't make myself do it), exercise (continued to do that but had suffered a bulging disc/pinched nerve so was in pain a lot of the time and couldn't exercise to the level I wanted, which led to the feelings of being old, etc.) so essentially I was spinning my wheels.

Ok, and here's an embarrassing admission for me ... I "escaped" in romance novels ... to the tune of hundreds of them, and I'm not exaggerating. Like a good addict, I find something I like and I overdose on it. While the books entertained me, and even added some new moves for my husband and I in the bedroom (which is a nice byproduct), mostly they made me want to be desired like I experienced in the first blush of new love ... so I'd constantly be in a state of wanting something I couldn't have and knowing even if I was stupid enough to a) have an affair or b) separate from my husband, no matter who I "hooked" up with, eventually the butterflies would wear off and I'd just be with someone else. By the way, I have the most amazing, generous, loving husband who is smart and HILARIOUS so why I would want someone else just shows how screwed up my head had gotten. Honestly I don't think I ever really wanted someone else, I wanted the lust, the newness, the excitement, the ideal ... there really was no face/name. There was just me wanting a distraction.

I knew I needed to make some changes. In January of this year, I sent out tons of resumes. I knew I needed to get out of the house. I was napping too much and I just couldn't motivate myself. I'm an introvert by nature so I like to be alone. But what happens is I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone and then I'm lonely. I'm not very good at the "balance" thing so I just keep doing the same thing until I'm miserable and then I finally make a change. (By the way, I am quite capable of being social. I define an introvert as someone who gets energy or recharged by being alone while an extrovert gets energy from people. While I enjoy people, they zap my energy!)

Back to the job search, I wanted part-time work but I was willing to work full time ... I knew I needed to get out of the house and I was willing to do the footwork (put the resumes out there) and whatever came back from the universe (or the employment world), I would be open to it. Interestingly no one responded to my resumes, but sharing with a friend what I was struggling with, led me to her friend who is an HR consultant. I sent the consultant my resume, the next day I had an interview, and two days later I was offered a job! And not just any job, but a job perfect for me. I work three 10-hour days a week (Tues - Thurs), and I get full benefits. I'm a doer at my new job (rather than a manager/decision-maker which is where my ego wants to take me even though I do not enjoy that role) so I get to come in, do my work and leave. I feel productive and I like contributing to an organization; I love my boss and I like having my own money again. The job has been the start of a much better 2014 but it hasn't fully healed me.

I even got a new sponsor, whom I really, really like. It's nice to have some new perspectives and I'm reworking the steps with her. It's slow going ... mainly because I'm lazy and don't really want to do them, and yet, I do want to, because I want to be more happy ... no, I take that back, I want to be content (happy seems fleeting to me) and I know working the steps of my recovery program centers me and focuses me on what's important and helps me to be less "self" focused.

So am I ever going to get to what's behind the "30 days of I-love-myself" experiment? Yes, I swear ... I'm getting there now. So ... I'm happier in 2014 with my new job, and I even decided to take a trip by myself. In January I booked an REI trip (which I'll be leaving for next Tuesday) to the Grand Canyon. I'm nervous ... I've never gone on a trip by myself, and because of my leg pain (as a result of the pinched nerve) I haven't been able to exercise at the level I usually do so I'm afraid I"ll hold back others and won't be as fit as I should be for this trip, but I'm excited to push myself and I have ALWAYS wanted to see the Grand Canyon.

And so finally in my quest to work on my spirituality, I started reading a wonderful blog called Life After Tampons. In it, she mentions a man she met at some conference she went to who wrote the book "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It." Honestly, I'm not sure I would have purchased it, but I googled it, and the picture of the author was a handsome man, so I stayed on his site a bit longer to check him out and thought, why not, just buy it.

Even though I purchased it, I didn't listen to it for several more days (I bought the audible version of it and listened to it while on the elliptical a few days later). It's a short but powerful book essentially about retraining those tapes in your head that tell you your bad, ugly, not  good enough (insert your own negative phrase here ... these are just a few of my favorites) so I'm trying his plan.

His plan, in a nutshell, is to keep repeating over and over to yourself, I love myself. To meditate on that thought, to essentially keep that thought top of mind whenever, where ever and that, according to the author, Kamal Ravikant, it will start to become your new "default" thought leading to magic (or I'm guessing loving myself). He says it will happen even if you don't believe it. You just need to do it.

It sounded simple (I like simple) and loving myself truly is something I don't feel. In fact, the first day, just oh yesterday, I felt so uncomfortable I practically felt queasy in my stomach. I kept doing it though. I'm hoping I get more comfortable ... right now it feels very similar to something we say in recovery ... which is "act as if" so that's what I"m doing. I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. Let the experiment begin :-)