Day 4 -- Telling the Hubby

I decided I wanted to share this blog with my husband and see if he was ok with me sharing it with others. He read it and as expected his first response to me was, "You're fat." Followed closely by, "You were thinking about leaving me?" (You'll need to read "How this Started" for any of this to make sense.)

"No dumb ass, didn't you read my blog?"

Tim's response: "You just put that nice stuff in as an after thought in case I read it."

Ah, my husband and his response is so illustrative of why we are so perfect for each other  -- we are both focused on self. And of course we giggled afterwards because that's the other big part of our marriage -- we tease, make fun and then laugh. Our giggling led to Tim remarking that I definitely laugh more than five times a day. So he did read my blog after all :-)

Tim, being Tim, doesn't really get why I'm doing this. I tried to explain that since I got my job in January, I have definitely been happier but not fully content. I guess the effects of "garbage in, garbage out" (see day 2 post) for the past year or so is going to take more than just getting out of the house (i.e. the new job) and require me to put some "good" stuff in my head so I start feeling better spiritually.

I asked him if he had any negative tapes running in his head that he struggled with. He said, "What do you mean?" I told him that ever since I was a kid I would hear in this voice in my head that said I suck, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm not good enough, etc.

Tim's response: "Well, I sometimes hear a voice telling me every one else is stupid." He's so funny - not! On a more serious note though, he honestly seemed perplexed that I would feel that way about myself or hear those kinds of messages. "You're beautiful and smart and awesome and should just listen to me more," said my oh-so-loving husband.

Oh how I wish it was that simple!

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. I can't internalize Tim's or anyone else's opinion of me. I've got to feel it myself, right to my very core, and that's where things get messy. I don't always feel bad about myself. I'm aware of my good qualities and I don't minimize them or try to down play them. In fact, I mostly like myself, but some times those inner, long-standing voices that I have never been able to quiet will surface. They usually come up when my expectations of myself are too high (a.k.a. perfectionism) or I'm comparing myself to someone, usually to their outsides (what they look like, what they've accomplished, that kind of thing). Of course it's a complete waste of time since I have no f##ing clue what is going on inside anyone's head or life, I'm just certain it's better than mine because they look so good on the outside.

I don't know if this experiment will work, but I know it can't hurt. Every time I feel that negative voice starting up I'm silencing it with I love myself. If nothing else I'm stopping the tapes before they play too long and that's a good thing.

I still am seeking the "fix." I want this latest experiment to fix me so I'll be fine -- no more hating myself at times, no more needing to numb myself with food or books or fantasy or word games or WHATEVER. Somehow, even though I intellectually know it's impossible, I think something, the right prayer, the right diet, the right clothes, the right relationships, the right place, will ensure I never feel bad ... or maybe that I never feel. That's probably my final frontier -- accepting my humanness with open arms. For now I'm content to laugh at myself (and others - can't help it - that's who I am :-) as I try to love myself more fully.