Day 13 - I Love You Guys (I mean gals!)

It was hard to hit the send button yesterday. Honestly, I wasn't in an overly sad or melancholy place ... I was just "feeling," which I hate to do, unless I'm HAPPY.

I think it was also hard because I shared some embarrassing stuff; you know the stuff about the romance novels, the stuff about having such an obsessive/compulsive mind. I want to "appear" together (I want to feel together too but mostly I know feeling embarrassed is about being worried how others -- you -- will judge me).

But alas that's when the magic happens. I open myself up to the universe and what do I get back? Lots and lots of love and affirmation. A few comments that tickled me and warmed my heart:

• "Keep it up and don't stop before the miracle happens."
•  "I'm proud of you for sharing it and proud that you are tackling it head on. And its ok to have a day that you take a break from being brave and strong :)  Just get up the next day stronger."
•  "It's easy for a person from the outside to say that you have so many things, about you, that are awesome. This is your journey to believe this is true."
•  "And girrrrlllllll I would've never ever thought you were 47." (This person said a bunch of other cool, nice stuff but being the egomaniac I am, that was my favorite line :-)
• "Even the hard days are inspiring! Sending love."
• "I keep reading, my friend. Hang in there."   
• "I wanted to suggest that when those negative comments enter your head, try to honor them with love and then gently let them go, instead of berating yourself for feeling them and for not being "better." The negative self-talk was developed early in life as a defense mechanism, maybe to keep you from expecting better thoughts and love from other people. (I don't know, or else I'm full of shit.) Anyway, they no longer serve you now, so maybe try gently thanking them for help in the past and telling yourself/your younger self who "needs" the negative self talk, that it's no longer necessary."
• Do not quit!!!!! I know you aren't doing this to get accolades or atta boys, but it is important for all of those "I love myselfs" to be followed up with a few "we love you's" from the important people in your life."

My heart is full. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Day 12 - I Want To Quit ...

I'm driving to my meeting tonight, and I think to myself, I've been meditating in the morning and telling myself over and over that I love myself, but I don't feel any different. This isn't working!

I want to read my romance/erotic novels. (I've decided to cut myself off from these books for the 30 days as well.) My new bestie from my trip, Stacey, was reading one while we were at the Canyon. (I put "bestie" in there for you Lauren ... just to piss you off -- tee hee.) I, of course, knew the book she was reading, and had read the whole trilogy, among every other book she mentioned.

What was interesting to me was that she would read some, but had no trouble whatsoever stopping to have a conversation with me, or others, or to do something else. When I'm into one of these books, I don't want to do anything else but read until I've devoured the book. I want to be the women (I mean girls) in these novels. I want someone to be possessive of me, and I want every other woman to want the man I'm with, but somehow Mr. Perfect chooses me, and will do anything to have me. I can't tell you how hard it is for me to write that because in my mind, that sounds so pathetic. I'm a 47-year-old woman, and I'm pining after a 22-year-old's make-believe life. But I love these books ... seriously. The writing often sucks, the story is pretty much always the same and I can't get enough of them.

I know so many of you, who are NOT addicts, will say what's wrong with reading romance novels? And in reality, there's nothing wrong with it. Just like there's nothing wrong with drinking alcohol ... and I mean that. There is nothing wrong with drinking. Many people can drink socially, can take it or leave it. I CAN'T. When I become obsessive about something, I need to let it go ... at least for a little while until it no longer has that "I-want-to-escape-from-my-life hold." Unlike alcohol, which I can never drink again, I can sometimes go back to activities that I used to be obsessed with, but 12 days probably isn't enough, and especially if I feel about these books like they are crack!

Ah, Angel, 12 days and I want to be fixed and done with this experiment. I'm such an addict. If I don't feel well (i.e. perfect, high on life, nothing should be wrong) then I immediately want to escape, to not feel, to do anything but the next right thing.

I still am so thrilled I went to the Grand Canyon, but now it's over. I've got nothing to look forward to, nothing to fret and worry about, nothing to focus on, but me and my normal, boring old life, oh and my surgery May 9, which clearly isn't as exciting as a trip.

My mind tells me writing this blog is stupid. I'm a quitter (see Day 2) so what am I trying to prove? Everyone probably gets annoyed when I send them an email saying I've written another post. This is what I hear in my head: "God, she's an egomaniac. I've told her I liked it now stop sending me emails. I'll read it if I want to. What more could she possibly have to say? Why did she think I'd be interested in this anyway? Thank God there's no sign up button so I can just delete her emails when I get them. Okay, enough about loving yourself ... I get it, now go away."

Harsh huh? That's me, which is why I'm doing this experiment in the first place. I try to say the mantra, I love myself, to cut off those thoughts, but sometimes they just break through or perhaps I secretly enjoy them because deep down that's what I think about myself and it just reaffirms those feelings.

I'm really not trying to be morbid here, overly negative or even seeking praise, I swear. I'm trying to be gut-level honest because if I'm not, then really this whole thing is just fluff and a waste of my time and yours.

So here's the good part. I did do the next right thing. I went to a meeting and I heard what I needed to hear. This woman was sharing about how hard she struggled to get sober. That in the beginning she would go to meetings but then get drunk or do drugs. She wasn't changing anything. Even when she committed to the program, it took two years for the obsession to be somewhat lifted.

TWO YEARS? I might have to wait two years to really love myself? I mean I've been telling myself for years and years that I suck and I'm worthless (again, not all the time ... honestly, for the most part I'm a happy and joyous person but those core feelings are there), and 12 days isn't enough to fix that?

Okay, okay ... even I got a little chuckle out of that one.

I think I'll keep working at this because I do want to love myself. And, by the way, I truly love all of you ... even if you don't read my blog. My heart is with you so thanks!

Day 9, 10 and 11 -- Sorry No Internet at Phantom Ranch

What an extraordinary experience!

We head via bus to the South Kaibab trail at about 9:00 a.m. It's cold and windy, but the day promises to be warm and sunny as we travel down the canyon. Here's a view from the top of the 7-1/2 mile trail we would be descending that day (super steep so less miles than the Bright Angel trail, which is 10 miles long from Phantom Ranch to the Rim, we would be heading back up Friday).

Our guide starts us off with a quick reminder of the three most important things to remember ... the three Fs -- food, feet and fluids. Eat often, notice any "hot spots" on your feet before they become blisters (apparently that's what they are called) and drink lots of water. Okay, I can do this. Three simple things ... but nothing is ever quite simple with me. First I have to immediately change my shorts at the top of the trail head because my camelback leaked all over my backside. I thought I had a leak in my bladder (that's what holds the water in a camelback) and was freaking out because there are no water refill stations along the Kaibab trail so you have to bring enough fluids to get you down the trail. My guide looks at my bladder, can't find a leak and then checks the mouth part you drink from. Sure enough I didn't have it turned off so it was leaking out everywhere. One crisis solved.

Then I get out my new hiking poles. For anyone that knows me, I am seriously the most inept person when it comes to anything mechanical. I can't even get a toolbox open. Tim used to get so frustrated with me and thought I was being helpless on purpose so I wouldn't have to do anything for myself, but he has since learned, I really can't figure this shit out. However, it's one thing to appear like an idiot in front of your husband and quite another in front of complete strangers waiting on you to get started! I can't figure out to get the poles extended to the right length. Finally my guide says you need to turn them until they become loose and then tighten them the same way. Oh, okay ... so I struggle a bit more and then finally get them fixed. Then the guide says to me, "And, ah, you need to take the protective tips off  the end." Oh, I didn't know they weren't supposed to be on there ... once again, I'm struggling to pull them off. "Um, actually I think they screw off," says the guide probably wondering if I'm the token problem child he's going to have to deal with on this trip. Oh, okay. Argh ... I feel like such a dope. But finally, we are ready to hit the trail.

The view from the top is stunning of course, and I'm so excited I'm giddy. We start down the trail going back and forth over the switchbacks, and after an hour or two it's already at least 10 degrees warmer. The weather is perfect, not too hot and not too windy at this point. It seems like every time we round a corner, it's another breathtaking view and I get that familiar feeling of awe and emotion in my chest when I feel overwhelming gratitude for where I am, what I'm doing, and quite frankly, when I feel closest to God. And as most of you know, I mean that wholly in a spiritual way, not in a religious way.

At about 12 we stop for a lunch that our REI guide has brought for us. He leads us to a shady place among the rocks with a view of the Colorado River below. He sets up fresh salmon, strawberries, blueberries, hummus, crackers, brie cheese, cucumbers, salami, turkey and bread. It's like a gourmet picnic, and we all dig in. The pace is slow, and we stop often for breaks and to enjoy the view. Stacey and I stop often to take pictures, and we are dubbed the Kodak twins.

Finally we reach the bridge that crosses the Colorado River and we head into Phantom Ranch. It's like a little oasis nestled at the bottom of the Canyon. Tons of green trees and a stream surround the ranch. We're tired and dirty and excited. Our guide checks us in and informs us that they've had a water break so there's no running water, but they do have fresh water to drink. In other words, no showers and to flush the toilets we have to fill these big red buckets with water and then pour it down the toilet. Then refill the bucket and leave it for the next person who has to go. Fun, fun, fun. It's gross and our dorms consist of bunk beds for eight women and nothing else, but it's so beautiful here and peaceful, you're grateful to be sleeping inside and not in a tent even if you have to use a bucket to flush the toilet!

We eat dinner family style, and I love it. I love sitting with all these strangers and sharing food and our journey down to the canyon and we are all so proud of ourselves for making it. Our guide tells us our breakfast time tomorrow is 6:30 am and then around 7:45 am we'll go on an optional five or six mile hike on the Clear Creek trail. Stacey and I attend that evening's Ranger talk on the first two guys who decided to swim the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. Our Ranger, Mandy, is an amazing story teller and it's just so neat to being sitting outside, listening to a story with crickets chirping and birds and bats flying overhead and the stars shining brightly above. We head back to the dorms, ready for sleep and tomorrow's adventures. I'm exhausted and have to use the bathroom before bed. I do my business, flush the toilet (or flush the red bucket of water) and head out to the spigot to refill the bucket and replace it for the next person who has to use the facilities. I walk up the steps leading to the dorms, my calves screaming from the descent down, and head into my dorm. I look up but none of the women look familiar. I stop and realize I'm in the wrong dorm. Only I would walk into the wrong dorm ... they laugh and I sheepishly say I'm sorry and then head back to my dorm and tell on myself so everyone else can laugh at me. Time for bed!

The next day includes our morning hike where we get a bird's eye view of Phantom Ranch and a better look at the Kaibab trail that we just came down. I can't believe I did that (nor can my calves)! We learn about how organic red dye is made ... get this, you look for prickly pear beetle poop, find the beetle and when you smash the beetle, it creates the most rich red natural dye that is used today. Who knew poop could be so useful? The day is gorgeous, I spend most of it relaxing after the morning hike, taking a nap, playing bananagrams and cards (which I brought -- gotta have my games!) and then attending the Ranger's talk that evening, which was on the Kolb brothers who were the first photographers and huge explorers of the Grand Canyon. Too long of a story to share here but it was captivating. Even more enthralling was sitting outside with all these people, looking up at the huge, star-filled sky and feeling so blessed to be at such a beautiful and remote place. A bonus was we got to see the Space Station cross the sky that night. So cool! I missed Tim and Ben like crazy, but it was so good to be truly unplugged, to connect with nature and to be quiet and just move at a slower pace. I go to bed that night filled with contentment and gratitude, and lots of sore muscles.

We wake up at 4:30 am the next morning, quickly get dressed and pack up and head to breakfast at 5:00 am. By 6:00 am we are on the Bright Angel trail. I feel like they're aren't enough adjectives to describe the beauty of the trail. I've included some pictures below but suffice it to say, it was stunning and so different from the South Kaibab trail. Bright Angel trail is lush with a bit more gentle incline, that is until we get past the first four or so miles, and then the climb begins. The last three miles are brutal, my legs are like jelly but I'm still smiling from ear to ear. I finally see the buildings at the top and I know I'm close. Only two others are in front of me, and all I can think about is that I'll get to talk to Tim and Ben when I reach the top. I finally get to the top and I'm filled with such a sense of accomplishment and joy that I don't even know what to do with myself. I make the trek in six hours, three hours ahead of our meeting time. I turn my phone on and get the constant beep, beep beep, letting me know I have messages and mail. Ah, I'm back to civilization.

The funny thing is that I'm in no hurry to even look at even one email but I can't wait to call Tim. He can barely get a word in edge wise I'm so excited. I'm dirty and exhausted and overwhelmed with happiness. I muttered I love myself, I love myself most of the way up the trail off and on.

I'll be honest ... I still don't feel overwhelming love for myself, but I did get this clear message that said, I need to do more adventures like this. I want to see the world, I want to connect with nature and share my life with others. I know I feel more present and more at peace with myself when I'm truly doing things I love, and I loved every stinky, hard moment of this trip. Namaste.

Day 8 -- I'm at the Grand Canyon!

What a day!

I meet the REI guide, the one single guy traveling alone on this trip and my soon-to-be roomie (we'll call her Stacey) in Phoenix at 8:00 am this morning. No one, of course, is anything like I pictured them. Our guide is tall and thin and kind of goofy looking. The single guy, (let's call him Rick) is medium height, thin, brown non-descript hair and basically looks like a guy who lives in his mom's basement (at age 40 something). Stacey, whom I really hadn't gotten around to imagining what she looks like, is super thin, blonde and cute as a button.

I'd confess to hating her (jealousy and all that) but she's super cool and I'm already positive we are going to be friends after this trip.We head out in the van on our way to Flagstaff where we will pick up two more people and then finally to the Grand Canyon where we are meeting the final couple who will join us on this trek.

In the van, there's that sort of awkward conversation and silence in the first 30 minutes as we start to get to know each other. Of course the conversation turns to our trip and facts about the GC (that's Grand Canyon for all you novices :-).

Our guide tells us the GC gets a million visitors a year and that 3 1/2 million go to the South Rim (where we are going), 1/2 million visit the North Rim but only one percent hike to the bottom.

Why you ask (or at least I did)?

"Because it's so hard," said our guide. Well shit ... There goes my confidence again.

Rick starts talking about all the hikes he's done in preparation for the trip and even Stacey chimes in with some she's completed. I keep my mouth shut and worry -- just a little -- but the fear is there.

Our guide then points to some books he brought about the Grand Canyon -- his personal favorite being a book called Death in the Grand Canyon.

(A glimpse in Angel's head at this point -- this hike is super difficult. Only one percent do it. Lots of people die here. What the hell am I doing here?)

Outside Angel jokingly says to our guide, "You know, you might not want to lead with these two factoids if you're trying to inspire us." Hahaha

We finally get to Flagstaff and pick up our next two hikers. They are an older couple from Tulsa, OK. Really wonderful, thin people. (Are you noticing a trend here? Apparently only thin people do the REI GC trip. And yes, I know I'm not fat but honestly I'm not like these people -- all wiry with little body fat -- you know the type, picture marathon runners.)

Anyway they've hiked the GC several times and have gone on quite a few REI trips. They are really interesting and offered quite a few tips about future trips I hope to take, but won't bore you with here. But alas I'm still stuck on the idea that I'm the most ill-prepared for this trip.

Finally we make it to the GC where we are meeting the last couple to join us. Hurray! They are an older couple who doesn't look in shape at all! I just might not be the last one up the canyon after all.

We stop at the Verkamps visitor center in the park to have lunch and talk about our trip. I get out of the van and take my first glimpse of the Grand Canyon.

OMG!!!

In that one moment I couldn't care less about anything else but seeing the most majestic, breathtaking view I have ever seen. I'll include some shots later (too hard from my iPhone) but honestly pictures could NEVER do this magnificent place justice. It's simply stunning.

I immediately become so excited for this trip. I don't care if I get blisters, if I'm huffing and puffing or if my legs and back hurt for days. I am here and I am so grateful to have this experience.

And remember how I said in my post yesterday that I was going to notice all the times I needlessly
worried?

Well, already I can share with you at least two times I've done just that -- first with my roomie. My worrying mind wondered if we would get along, if she would hate me after I kept her up all night from snoring, yadda, yadda, yadda. Nope -- she's awesome and I've already told her about my sleep apnea. She's not worried, brought her own earplugs and figures she will be so tired it won't matter anyway.

And the worrying about being in shape? I may or may not be in the best condition for this hike, but I know I'll make it and I plan on enjoying every second.

Can't wait to share my adventure tomorrow when we start our hike down the South Kaibab trail!

Day 7 -- I Just Need a Little Faith

I'm sitting on the plane heading to Phoenix thankful I made it. My flight from D.C. connected through Cincinnati. We pulled into the gate at 7:25ish and my flight to Phoenix left at 7:55 pm. I was anxious that by the time I got off the plane, I would have very little time to race through the airport, find my gate, and make my flight.

Ah, Angel. Ye of little faith -- I quickly ran up the airplane connecting ramp, politely (I swear) asking people to move out of my way, and then launched myself at the flight attendant at the end of the plank (not sure what that ramp is called but doesn't plank make my story sound so much more dramatic?) to find out what gate I needed to get to make the Phoenix flight. She points to the gate DIRECTLY across from mine.

Good thing I hurried :-)

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself ...

I hope the rest of my trip goes this smoothly. I think I'm going to make it a point of this trip to notice all the times I worry or think worse-case scenario and see how often I'm pleasantly surprised. I bet it will be a lot -- at least that's what half-glass-full Angel is hoping.

Day 6 - Easter at the Emergency Vet Clinic and How Things Went Down Hill from There

Tim wakes me up at 5:00 this morning in a panic because London is shivering and crying walking up steps. Something is wrong.

I jump out of bed and come downstairs and lay with London on the couch. London is Tim's baby ... he LOVES that dog. I mean he really, really LOVES that dog so I know the best thing I can do for Tim is to take care of London because Tim can't. Tim had shoulder surgery Friday and is in a ton a pain and has very little mobility. My family is a bit of a mess right now.

I get London calmed down and I fall back asleep, but by 9:00 am Tim is still worried so I take London to the Emergency vet's office in Fairfax, where like at every doctor's office, we wait. And, wait ... in a nice room mind you, but it smells, like animals, and it's hot and London is anxious so he's panting NON STOP. I love myself, I love myself, I love myself -- it's not working. I'm agitated and tired and worried about London and about Tim because I know he's hurting and worried about London, and this is not how I wanted to spend my Sunday.

I had plans. I had things I wanted to do ... work out with a friend, enjoy the beautiful day, go to a meeting.

The doc finally sees London and the diagnosis? He thinks London has some kind of bulging disc on his left side that is causing him pain, kind of like a pinched nerve.

OMG ... I heard that owners and their pets can end up looking similar, but animals and their owners get the same illnesses? I had to laugh when the doctor prescribed the EXACT same medicine my doctor prescribed for my pinched nerve on my left side.

London is fine, though apparently he's obese and needs to lose 10-15 pounds. I hope he didn't take after Tim or I for that one!

It's funny, I always think of myself as a really selfish person, and really this hasn't changed my opinion much, but it was nice to see that when my family or someone I love needs me, I can jump into action, no questions asked and get it done (and I didn't even lay a guilt trip on Tim or anything). Now you may say to yourself what would Tim possibly have to feel guilty about? ABSOLUTELY nothing, but being the selfish person that I am, I can always manufacture something for him to feel guilty about. For instance, Tim, I know you had surgery on Friday knowing London would get hurt and you couldn't take care of him and I would have to do it for you. This is how my crazy mind thinks. The progress is that I don't act on these crazy thoughts, and I was available for Tim and London.

And I even got my exercise and meeting in today ... even if it wasn't how I planned it. I rode my bike to the meeting, and it was beautiful outside. I couldn't wait to get home, relax and get ready for work tomorrow and pack for trip, leaving Tuesday. Ah, not to be ...

I got an email from Delta saying it was time to check in for my flight TOMORROW.

Oops. Guess I won't be going to work tomorrow. On a positive note, I have one less day to worry about being in shape enough for my trip, being too snorey for my roommate (that's a new word ... snorey), essentially my general overall go-to worry about not being good enough.

Ah, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

P.S. Thanks for reading, for your thoughts and love. And also, I will try to post every day while at the Grand Canyon but wireless coverage may be spotty so I'll post as much as I can.

Day 5 - Starts with FEAR ...

What was I thinking? I sent an email to a bunch of women friends about my new blog, hit the send key, and immediately went into panic mode. What will they think of me? What idiot shares such personal and embarrassing details about their thoughts and feelings and life? I must be an ego driven maniac (with low self esteem because that makes perfect sense) ... I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

Then the emails started to come in. First one, of course, was from Tim (he was the only guy on my list), and his unsurprising response: "It's always about you isn't it?" Love him.

And, then the rest ... I seriously was so touched by some of the messages I received, and from some women I haven't spoken to in years. One of my friends suggested I write a book. I giggled. Did I not mention in my blog that I rarely finish anything? I'm just psyched to be on Day 5 :-)

But then the fears kept on coming. I leave for the Grand Canyon on Tuesday, and I'm NERVOUS. I'm afraid I won't be in good enough shape compared to everyone else (yup, there's that compare word that always gets me in trouble ... or at least unhappy). While I have been working out, and have known about this trip since I booked it JANUARY, I have not gone on even ONE hike. I bought new hiking boots, and a back pack and walking sticks (or whatever they are called) and I have all the gear they said to buy (the buying part was fun) but I haven't used any of it! I'm seriously considering having Ben roll all the stuff around in the back yard so it gets dirty and doesn't look so new and so I won't look like such a novice hiking dweeb. Because really what matters is how I look. Yes, sarcasm is intended. (Speaking of dweebs ... Ben and I went to awesomecondc today ... that was geek central! See some pics below.)

Oh, and did I mention I have sleep apnea but I can't take the machine on this trip so some poor woman I'm sharing a room with is going to suffer through my snoring, which according to Tim, is quite unpleasant. I've bought ear plugs for her, and every "stop snoring" item I could find in CVS. I've got nose tape stuff to make my nostrils wider, and some kind of plastic thingy to put in my mouth to open up my airway more and even some throat spray that is supposed to do something. (Did I mention I believe almost any kind of advertising?) I really hope she doesn't hate me by the end of the trip.

I try to keep what I've learned F.E.A.R. stands for ... false evidence appearing real, but I'm really not sure this is all false evidence. I'm really not in that great of shape right now and I do snore so ... I'M SCARED.

But really what I need to look at is what is underneath the fear? That's where I'm hoping this "I love myself" project will help. Because I think what makes me most fearful is not being good enough and not being liked exactly as I am.

The good news is that I'm going on my trip no matter my fear, and I may be the slowest one up or down the canyon, and I may keep my roommate up with my snoring (oh, I hope not!), but I promise to enjoy every beautiful moment. Hope you and your loved ones have a wonderful Easter. Here's some shots of geeks at awesomecondc:

Day 4 -- Telling the Hubby

I decided I wanted to share this blog with my husband and see if he was ok with me sharing it with others. He read it and as expected his first response to me was, "You're fat." Followed closely by, "You were thinking about leaving me?" (You'll need to read "How this Started" for any of this to make sense.)

"No dumb ass, didn't you read my blog?"

Tim's response: "You just put that nice stuff in as an after thought in case I read it."

Ah, my husband and his response is so illustrative of why we are so perfect for each other  -- we are both focused on self. And of course we giggled afterwards because that's the other big part of our marriage -- we tease, make fun and then laugh. Our giggling led to Tim remarking that I definitely laugh more than five times a day. So he did read my blog after all :-)

Tim, being Tim, doesn't really get why I'm doing this. I tried to explain that since I got my job in January, I have definitely been happier but not fully content. I guess the effects of "garbage in, garbage out" (see day 2 post) for the past year or so is going to take more than just getting out of the house (i.e. the new job) and require me to put some "good" stuff in my head so I start feeling better spiritually.

I asked him if he had any negative tapes running in his head that he struggled with. He said, "What do you mean?" I told him that ever since I was a kid I would hear in this voice in my head that said I suck, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm not good enough, etc.

Tim's response: "Well, I sometimes hear a voice telling me every one else is stupid." He's so funny - not! On a more serious note though, he honestly seemed perplexed that I would feel that way about myself or hear those kinds of messages. "You're beautiful and smart and awesome and should just listen to me more," said my oh-so-loving husband.

Oh how I wish it was that simple!

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. I can't internalize Tim's or anyone else's opinion of me. I've got to feel it myself, right to my very core, and that's where things get messy. I don't always feel bad about myself. I'm aware of my good qualities and I don't minimize them or try to down play them. In fact, I mostly like myself, but some times those inner, long-standing voices that I have never been able to quiet will surface. They usually come up when my expectations of myself are too high (a.k.a. perfectionism) or I'm comparing myself to someone, usually to their outsides (what they look like, what they've accomplished, that kind of thing). Of course it's a complete waste of time since I have no f##ing clue what is going on inside anyone's head or life, I'm just certain it's better than mine because they look so good on the outside.

I don't know if this experiment will work, but I know it can't hurt. Every time I feel that negative voice starting up I'm silencing it with I love myself. If nothing else I'm stopping the tapes before they play too long and that's a good thing.

I still am seeking the "fix." I want this latest experiment to fix me so I'll be fine -- no more hating myself at times, no more needing to numb myself with food or books or fantasy or word games or WHATEVER. Somehow, even though I intellectually know it's impossible, I think something, the right prayer, the right diet, the right clothes, the right relationships, the right place, will ensure I never feel bad ... or maybe that I never feel. That's probably my final frontier -- accepting my humanness with open arms. For now I'm content to laugh at myself (and others - can't help it - that's who I am :-) as I try to love myself more fully.

Day 3 ... Today Is a Bit Tougher

I woke up this morning feeling fat (yes, I know fat is NOT a feeling but I'm going with it anyway). I overate last night ... good food, salmon (it was delicious and I even cooked it in coconut oil), sweet potato and frozen grapes (my go-to snack almost every night). It wasn't the food, but the quantity.

I've always been a more, more, more girl. Hence my additive personality. If one is good, a thousand would be better. I've been addicted to alcohol, word games, men (I mean boys), romance/erotic novels, sleeping, food, food, food and whatever else keeps me distracted and numb. Again, nothing unique about me. I am certain millions of people have felt my feelings in one way or another.

But "feeling fat" is a huge trigger for me. If I "feel fat," I feel ugly, unlovable, unworthy, etc. I could blame my mother, and I often do, but the truth is, I'm a grown up and responsible for my feelings and for getting out of my own funk(s)! So as soon as I said in my head, I feel fat, followed almost instantaneously but the thought, I hate myself, I cut that thought right off with a few "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself." I'm not totally feeling it this morning, but I'm also not mired in self hate or loathing and I don't have the urge to eat like a bird or exercise like a maniac.

I also did 6 minutes of meditating this morning with I love myself. One minute more than yesterday so maybe that extra minute will spur some kind of positive thinking. I also read James Altucher's blog post yesterday. It was about how children laugh 300 times a day, while adults on average laugh 5 times a day. He wanted to know how that could happen and he said it explained why adults are so miserable. I definitely agree with that. I always tell my son I'm a 12-year-old stuck in a woman's body. I love to have fun and laugh. I wish I could play all day.

Anyway, with that post in mind, I decided to read The Bloggess, or Jenny Lawson, who is seriously one of the funniest writers I've read, and she did not disappoint. Read her entry here and I swear if you don't laugh, you seriously have something wrong with you ... or at least you don't have my kind of sense of humor and cannot be my friend, so there (how's that for a 12-year-old attitude?).

So ... I'm still at and will report back at the end of the day if any other amazing (or mind-numbing) ideas enter my brain.

Day 2 ... I'm Still At It

I confess right now, I do not stick with many things. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. I get an idea, it sounds cool, and I try it and then I get bored and I'm done. For instance, this isn't my first blog. I started another one in 2008. I know it was 2008 because when I went to start this one, my old blog came up ... one I created in 2008 to commemorate the snowboarding/ski trips I take with some of my closest friends every winter ... and like the good quitter that I am, I never even wrote ONE post.

Now don't get my wrong ... I'm not beating up on myself here and I've learned that when something really matters to me, I stick with it. I've been sober for 12+ years ... no small accomplishment especially if you know anything about alcoholism (though to be fair, I truly believe I would NOT be sober without AA and my higher power so I'm not sure how much true credit I deserve), and I've been married for 20+ years and I have kept friendships for more than 20 years so I can commit, it just doesn't happen very often.

The fact that this is day two of my experiment, and I'm still at it, well that's an accomplishment in my book. I started the day by setting my iPhone timer for 5 minutes, and for 5 whole minutes I closed my eyes and said I love myself, I love myself, over and over. Then throughout the day, I kept repeating the phrase. Even at the doctor's appointment I had (who was 90 minutes late seeing me ... I love myself, I love myself, I hate you but I love myself ... my boss said I should charge him $25 which I think is an excellent late fee idea!), even after hearing I would need surgery after my trip (not too upset about it ... I want my back fixed!) and later during a run with my husband.

I haven't reached the "magical' stage Kamal Ravikant says I'll eventually get to, but I did find myself smiling and laughing a bit more today. And I did notice that I wasn't so in my head ... I mean other than saying I love myself over and over, I wasn't daydreaming about the future or living in the past. I may have been saying this weird mantra over and over again, but I was more present than I've been in a while and that's something I really want.

I took a "walk and talk" with my son today. (We've been doing them for years. He likes to tell me stories ... usually about books he's read or video games he's playing ... while we are walking. I don't say too much but I listen and he seems to like that.) Anyway, while we were walking I felt more focused on where I was and who I was with than I have in the recent past. Just some observations ... I don't know if it's connected or relevant but I figured if I'm going to do this blog experiment thingy I might as well write down what I'm noticing and feeling.

Last thing I've been thinking about ... I heard from someone or I read somewhere "garbage in, garbage out," meaning what we put in our mind matters. For the past year I've been putting A LOT of garbage in. I know part of the reason I haven't wanted to share at meetings is because I have nothing worthwhile to share. But I feel hopeful today ... I feel like I'm starting to put good stuff in my brain and that good stuff will naturally produce good thoughts. Like I said, at least that's what I'm hoping. I've always been a big believer that what you put in your body matters. Our bodies are like engines and they run better on whole, natural foods. Do I always eat like that? NO! But I try to eat pretty healthy and when I do, I feel good and I have more energy.

I have to believe my mind operates the same way. For most of my life I've been telling myself I suck, I'm stupid, I'm bad, I'm not worthy, I'm blah, blah, blah. Not all of the time, and certainly it's gotten much, much better since I've gotten sober and gotten into recovery, but the truth is those are my default tapes that I play over and over again.

I want to erase them! I've always wanted to erase them but I've never known how. I've prayed for help, I've read self-help books, talked with counselors about my childhood ad nauseum. I'm sick of my own story.

But I've never thought of just saying I love myself over and over. Maybe I'll find it's too simple, or I won't stick with it. But it's such a positive message, and I want to love myself ... I want to be content and confident in my own skin more times than I'm not. I want to stop looking for outside stuff and people and opinions to make me feel good about myself. I want this experiment to work so for day 2, I'm still at it!

How this started ...

For most of 2013 if not all of it, I was in a mini-depression. I had been working from home for the past 13 1/2 years, essentially since my son was born (he's 14 now) and for most of those years, I NEVER regretted that decision. Having the flexibility to be with him whenever was a blessing and I enjoyed practically every minute. But for some reason, last year was really tough.

I know part of the reason is that Ben, my son, does not need me like he used to, part of it is that I really did not like my current work-from-home job, and part of it was having too much time on my hands to be up in my head about getting older, wondering if I was happy, is this all there is, etc. Nothing new ... I certainly don't have a unique perspective or unique feelings. They simply were happening to me, and I didn't like them and my normal go-to solutions (go to more meetings ... oh yeah, I'm in recovery in case I didn't mention that), talk to my sponsor (yeah, that one wasn't working out so well anymore ... after 10 years with the same sponsor we just weren't connecting like we used to), pray/meditate (again, I believe this one would have worked but I couldn't make myself do it), exercise (continued to do that but had suffered a bulging disc/pinched nerve so was in pain a lot of the time and couldn't exercise to the level I wanted, which led to the feelings of being old, etc.) so essentially I was spinning my wheels.

Ok, and here's an embarrassing admission for me ... I "escaped" in romance novels ... to the tune of hundreds of them, and I'm not exaggerating. Like a good addict, I find something I like and I overdose on it. While the books entertained me, and even added some new moves for my husband and I in the bedroom (which is a nice byproduct), mostly they made me want to be desired like I experienced in the first blush of new love ... so I'd constantly be in a state of wanting something I couldn't have and knowing even if I was stupid enough to a) have an affair or b) separate from my husband, no matter who I "hooked" up with, eventually the butterflies would wear off and I'd just be with someone else. By the way, I have the most amazing, generous, loving husband who is smart and HILARIOUS so why I would want someone else just shows how screwed up my head had gotten. Honestly I don't think I ever really wanted someone else, I wanted the lust, the newness, the excitement, the ideal ... there really was no face/name. There was just me wanting a distraction.

I knew I needed to make some changes. In January of this year, I sent out tons of resumes. I knew I needed to get out of the house. I was napping too much and I just couldn't motivate myself. I'm an introvert by nature so I like to be alone. But what happens is I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone and then I'm lonely. I'm not very good at the "balance" thing so I just keep doing the same thing until I'm miserable and then I finally make a change. (By the way, I am quite capable of being social. I define an introvert as someone who gets energy or recharged by being alone while an extrovert gets energy from people. While I enjoy people, they zap my energy!)

Back to the job search, I wanted part-time work but I was willing to work full time ... I knew I needed to get out of the house and I was willing to do the footwork (put the resumes out there) and whatever came back from the universe (or the employment world), I would be open to it. Interestingly no one responded to my resumes, but sharing with a friend what I was struggling with, led me to her friend who is an HR consultant. I sent the consultant my resume, the next day I had an interview, and two days later I was offered a job! And not just any job, but a job perfect for me. I work three 10-hour days a week (Tues - Thurs), and I get full benefits. I'm a doer at my new job (rather than a manager/decision-maker which is where my ego wants to take me even though I do not enjoy that role) so I get to come in, do my work and leave. I feel productive and I like contributing to an organization; I love my boss and I like having my own money again. The job has been the start of a much better 2014 but it hasn't fully healed me.

I even got a new sponsor, whom I really, really like. It's nice to have some new perspectives and I'm reworking the steps with her. It's slow going ... mainly because I'm lazy and don't really want to do them, and yet, I do want to, because I want to be more happy ... no, I take that back, I want to be content (happy seems fleeting to me) and I know working the steps of my recovery program centers me and focuses me on what's important and helps me to be less "self" focused.

So am I ever going to get to what's behind the "30 days of I-love-myself" experiment? Yes, I swear ... I'm getting there now. So ... I'm happier in 2014 with my new job, and I even decided to take a trip by myself. In January I booked an REI trip (which I'll be leaving for next Tuesday) to the Grand Canyon. I'm nervous ... I've never gone on a trip by myself, and because of my leg pain (as a result of the pinched nerve) I haven't been able to exercise at the level I usually do so I'm afraid I"ll hold back others and won't be as fit as I should be for this trip, but I'm excited to push myself and I have ALWAYS wanted to see the Grand Canyon.

And so finally in my quest to work on my spirituality, I started reading a wonderful blog called Life After Tampons. In it, she mentions a man she met at some conference she went to who wrote the book "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It." Honestly, I'm not sure I would have purchased it, but I googled it, and the picture of the author was a handsome man, so I stayed on his site a bit longer to check him out and thought, why not, just buy it.

Even though I purchased it, I didn't listen to it for several more days (I bought the audible version of it and listened to it while on the elliptical a few days later). It's a short but powerful book essentially about retraining those tapes in your head that tell you your bad, ugly, not  good enough (insert your own negative phrase here ... these are just a few of my favorites) so I'm trying his plan.

His plan, in a nutshell, is to keep repeating over and over to yourself, I love myself. To meditate on that thought, to essentially keep that thought top of mind whenever, where ever and that, according to the author, Kamal Ravikant, it will start to become your new "default" thought leading to magic (or I'm guessing loving myself). He says it will happen even if you don't believe it. You just need to do it.

It sounded simple (I like simple) and loving myself truly is something I don't feel. In fact, the first day, just oh yesterday, I felt so uncomfortable I practically felt queasy in my stomach. I kept doing it though. I'm hoping I get more comfortable ... right now it feels very similar to something we say in recovery ... which is "act as if" so that's what I"m doing. I love myself, I love myself, I love myself. Let the experiment begin :-)