A very dear friend of mine who I haven't been in touch with much for the last year or two let me know her cancer was back. This was after she let me blab about my back surgery and how I was feeling. Seriously?!
OK, I know my surgery was a big deal to me (and by the way, I'm A-Okay ... no pain down my leg and very minor pain at the incision site). But cancer just trumps all.
Me: So how are you?
Her: Well, I have some bad news ... my cancer is back.
Me: Stunned silence. And then FUCK!
Honestly I listened though really I was just kind of sick to my stomach. Sick for so many reasons. Sad about the state of our friendship ... guilt that it took my blog for us to start reconnecting. Shame of my own self-obsession this past year. "Oh, poor me ... Angel is worried she's going to get fat. Angel feels old. Angel is bored and needs a job to get out of herself. blah, blah, blah."
I've been down that road and it's not helpful or useful. I know that. I know I can't compare my own inner demons to others' suffering. And I know I'm not perfect ... I'm human and I'm on this journey to live better, to be nicer to myself and my body. Even in this short time frame I've grown some. I really am looking at food more as fuel and how I can put the very best in my body to make it move and do all the things I want it to do. How I like wearing pretty clothes to my new job because I want to honor the work I've put into my body and I don't have to feel narcissistic because I want to look good ... at any age. I'm not ready to "give up" ... whatever that means ... and honestly, I hope I never will.
But when I hear that someone I love is dealing with f^#king cancer, well, it reminds me what's important, and how I want to focus on what is important. Love, friendship, being a good parent (which quite honestly hasn't been that easy this past week with a hormonal teenager who is pushing all of my buttons!), noticing nature, giggling, sharing my heart even when it's embarrassing or painful. In short, I want to live a rich, full life and the truth is I have one. Sometimes my vision is just a little murky.
But right now my heart hurts for all the friends I have who have experienced cancer, either as victim or as a family member or close friend of someone suffering from some form of cancer. I'm not kidding ... in the past year or two, I can name at least four very close friends who all have dealt with cancer. Young, vibrant beautiful women. The gratitude is in watching them go through it and get to the other side with grace, humor, tears and fortitude. I am in awe of you, and pray that my latest friend knows she is not alone, and my heart is with her.
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