I've been in a little bit of a funk. Nothing even nearing depression or anything like that. Just kind of blah.
And, I think I know what it is ...
It's called LIFE.
Imagine that, not every day is perfect, not every day is GRAND CANYON worthy. Some days are just ho-hum.
Well, there's a bit more to it than that for me (because I like to complicate things), but I must say writing this blog is giving me an unexpected gift ... time to to reflect and gain perspective. I realized as I was writing this that I'm having that let-down period from coming back from an amazing vacation and from being out of my routine (I am a serious creature of habit and even good things that mess up my routine, like vacations, can make me feel uncomfortable for a bit). Plus as soon as I did get home from the Grand Canyon, Tim left for a business trip to California so I've been doing the working/single mom thing. Again, nothing a million other women haven't dealt with, but it's just good to remind myself that oh yea, there is a reason why I'm feeling a bit tired, a bit blah, a bit, less than. This is all normal!
There is also a bit of fear lurking in the background too. I had a pre-surgery call with the hospital yesterday telling me I will be staying the night next Friday. What? My doctor told me this was an in-and-out surgery. Oh, and I have to get all these pre-tests, blood work, EKG, chest x-ray, etc., done THIS WEEK or my surgery will be cancelled so I've been scrambling to get these appointments in while working, while taking care of Ben, while trying to exercise ...
I called my surgeon's office and the woman told me that I should be prepared to spend the night but I may not have to -- it depends on how the surgery goes. She said it's a two-three hour surgery and that I will not be able to do ANYTHING for four to six weeks. Yikes! This leads to my fear of getting FAT. Fear of the surgery? Fear of being paralyzed if the doctor makes a mistake? Nope. I'm worried about getting fat and being miserable because I can't exercise.
My mind is CRAZY.
But at least I'm getting it out by writing about it, and by talking about it. Right? The important thing, as my sponsor pointed out to me today, is that I don't have to act on these feelings. I can feel them, acknowledge them, and then let them go, and do the next right thing. I might want to indulge in the feelings a little longer than necessary (by former sponsor called that mental masturbation ... I like that term), but really that's what this whole "I love me" experiment is all about. I get to CHOOSE the messages I tell myself, and when crazy town hits my head, and let's face it, I live in crazy town, I can choose to go a different route and cut that path right off.
It's slow going. I want instant progress and results.
What I am getting is perspective.
Thank you, thank you for taking this journey with me. Your emails and thoughts are helping and teaching me much. I love myself, and I love you!
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